Just when I think I’m full 
but I’m not..
I am brimming over the edges, spilling off beyond the realms of normal.
I understand there are two personalities in my head. You can argue I am crazy, but have you ever wondered how you can contemplate? Who are you are arguing with? (this is turning into a public blog, oh well, that is just the evolution of this blog. Take from it what you want.
“Alien hand” is a merely a name for a very rare mental disease/disorder (which I don’t have) where by one of the dual personalities takes over, you don’t understand why your hand is choking you, you can’t have an argument with yourself to stop, if there if only one of you in control. Google it, the brain is very very amazing. Rest assured it happens to “normal” people.
I have strayed from my blog mission, so I will get back on track, it wasn’t to attempt educate or illustrate it was to document.
I’m full.. chuggers.. apparently, according to me only, but what do I have to compare it to in real life… people don’t use their two brains, I don’t know why.. I don’t understand how people never “grow up” – not in the responsibility term, but in the sense of letting go of every piece of bullshit which is holding you back from free thought. Why do people want to merely be thinking what everybody else is thinking… especially when it is repeated over and over again, for years through out our lives. Why am I alone in seeing this quest to understand – anything and everything I deem relevant to understanding my environment, it’s history and it’s future.
I’m an organism in this universe.. I am the unpredictability of the electron. We all are.. I just think I know what is going on, and if I don’t then so what? Is being wrong while free thinking any less drab or worth more persecution than, I dunno, a woman having her nails done.
Please don’t try and pigeon hole me just yet, because unless you are atleast 50 percent of my two brains you have no skill to. I don’t think many people will understand this, they haven’t archived anything in life, it is the same boring, stupid, rediculous shit. They sponge it up, day after fucking day. It bores me. Senseless. I want my brains to know more, how can I gain any knowlege of out of most people – you do exactly what I do, you watch the shows I watch, you see the movies I see, hear the music I hear. I hear it… I hear enough to get the idea of it, I don’t really like it, maybe because I am getting old and it is not designed for me. But I also am aware it is designed for me, yet also aware some isn’t, coincidences, complications… everything is very complicated.
I’m not a hater of conventional people, I simple don’t understand how they derived any pleasures from such boredom and conformities… in their own head of all places.
But I am full, chockers… in comparision, and yet I’m actually not, not in me personally… I sometims stop and assume I am, but that assumption comes from my comparision of the outside world. I’m not full at all.
This enlightenment brims over the edges… it is scary, it is complicated, it is beautiful, it is always changing, it is always interesting. I want to upgrade my brain to a new model please, just so I can take in even more at once, because there will not be enough time my life time. I still can’t believe I’m actually 31. I understand why old people don’t know how old they are, or don’t tell you. It is a little depressing! For me in this unique fashion at such a percieved “young” age, well compared to everybody else.
I know I am not special, that others out there might think like me, it’s just they are not around me in my life, there are few and far between.
I came on here tonight to process many fundamental thoughts I’m having in life at this time. I honestly, compare myself to anything which moves, be it atomic or galactic, it’s all movement, I’m part of it, not actively, but by default, but that is fine.
Things in life happen so slowly around you, you can be totally unaware they are happening, like growing older.. it takes a 90 year old relative, who you haven’t seen in a long time to see this (I haven’t had this happen, this is an example – well we have all had examples), and that is how I see our universe. It changes, it expands, elements change, like a virus.
That is the word I wanted to compare myself with… a virus. Not because I am evil, or infected or anything like that, but I can really compare, in my own head, viruses to people, to animals, to moving water (albeit that is part of a MASSIVE virus). I use the term virus differently (as just stated if you are in shock). Its a life force, it seeks to live, it works in armies to achieve this.
I’m contemplating the meanin of life I suppose, not because I want to be philisophical, but because my own brain theories are going in that direction. Life is part of the movement of the universe, in a physical aspect, if you looked at the universe in a bubble from the outside, and you could strip all your emotional human aspects, what is life doing? Is it any different to the life I create on my computer.. am I a god? Is Bill Gates a computer God? Bill gates is a parasite, but that is alright, we all are essentially. I want to know what purpose we are serving in the universe, just to understand it, so I can, before I die.
I’m scared of death. I am not religious, nor spiritual. I don’t even know what spiritual means. I think, that is it, black and white… I’m a thinker. I apply logic. It makes me crazy (compared to what I have to compare it to), but my brain isn’t lazy and it is accumulating knowlege.
I’m not scared of death either (do you like the contradiction? I’m arguing with myself essentially here – no really!}. I don’t want to leave this place one day, and even though I am not spiritual, it doesn’t phase me, because you are either dead when you are dead (like you are when you weren’t born) so it wont be an issue to worry about,
or
If what I can make out of observing the universe, I’ll tranfer into something else. Something with different senses, to sense different dimension, the dimension which the energy goes into. Life energy.. one of the power cells of the universe/multiverses, as I see myself now.
I have been getting into parallel universes lately, (not physically! – via documentary – viewing that is) and it has opened a door, a pandoras box, of boxes, cazillions of them.
I am waiting for the unification theory for life, because I believe it could exist.
People will ignore it, the governement will hate it, people will go missing with out a trace. There will be enough extremists to create little false universes for everyone else to live in happily because people are unpredictable when challenged. Challenge their minds and they start to kick into defense mode, which I understand, but on the whole, serves no purpose for my quest.
I believe we are by default very adaptable (even if we really don’t act like it). How many times have you heard the saying “time heals all”. That just means you will naturally adapt to your circumstances, should you have a strong mind…. most people do, but they don’t use it, understand it, or care about it.
